


Nuclear Fusion

by hydromeow



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bulges and Nooks, Candy Ingredients Discussed at Length, Enthusiastic Consent, Halloween, Multi, Really Bad Chemistry Puns, Strap-Ons, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 02:49:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5317634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hydromeow/pseuds/hydromeow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade, Dave, and Karkat host the yearly Halloween party. They are terrible hosts, and spend most of their time in the bedroom.</p>
<p>An incredibly belated Halloween smutfic because there's not nearly enough jadedavekat on this earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nuclear Fusion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elendraug](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/gifts), [Maim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maim/gifts).



> Thanks so much to elendraug for being my beta!! You are the best, dude- this fic wouldn't have happened without you.

“Okay, so, since last year's sexy Santa costume was entirely too fucking sexy and caused the spontaneous combustion of everyone who laid eyes upon me, I'm thinking this year I'll go as a more modest pair of shades.” Dave, Jade, and Karkat were sitting on the bed in their room, planning costumes for this year's Halloween party.  
  


The kids hosted parties yearly, each one at a different person's house. This time, it was Jade, Dave, and Karkat's turn. Technically, it was really only Jade's, but since they shared a house-slash-hive she wasn't going to let them get away with just _watching_ her work her butt off! Teamwork and all that. And teamwork also meant a team costume. And not team shades, either.  
  


“Nooooooo,” Jade pouted, her ears pressing flat against her head, “I have _plans_ , Dave! The best group costume you've ever seen! It's very sexy, though, so I can understand if you want to keep your raw allure away from the masses.”  
  


“Well, can I put sunglasses _on_ this costume? Not that that'll negate its erotic power, but hopefully the screaming throngs of lustful fans will be distracted by the mystery of the shades long enough so that we can escape.”  
  


“Dave, who would make a costume you can't put shades on?” Jade teased and turned to Karkat, who grimaced.  
  


“I'm not dressing up, unless you count getting completely coated in candy wrappers by the end of the night as a costume.” He shrugged, “I'm planning on doing nothing but eating stuff that I shouldn’t, and tolerating all the fucknuts I call my friends.”  
  


“Psh, you can do all that in costume,” standing up, Jade walked over to her closet and started rummaging around in it for what was, presumably, the costumes. “Dave, go get your giant shade thingies! Where doin this man.”  
  


“Where making it hapen.” With that, Dave gave a little salute and went off to go find his favorite pair of giant novelty sunglasses. They were green and shamrock-shaped, but who gave a fuck about being seasonally appropriate anyway? Not Dave and his beautiful shamrock shades, that’s for damn sure.  
  


“I guess I'll just have to accept my fate, then? You guys just love parading me around in ridiculous outfits for your own sick amusement. You cruel, cruel bastards.” Karkat let out a dramatic sigh and flopped flat on the bed. His tone of voice, however, seemed to indicate that he didn't really mind that much.  
  


“We'll be dressed the same, so there!” Jade held up several costumes that, from where Karkat was, didn't look like anything so much as white blobs. “And I think you mean _hot_ outfits, Karkat.”  
  


“That makes me even more apprehensive.”

* * *

Once the party had started and guests had arrived, John came over to talk with Jade and Dave. Karkat had absconded off elsewhere with a king sized Hershey's bar and could only be located by following the dulcet tones of his rants.  
  


John grinned, raising his eyebrows. “What the fuck are you guys even supposed to be, anyway? Hehe, I bet you look like a weird snowman when you all line up. Dave can be the head, since he's got those stupid giant sunglasses on his suit.” John was, in a shocking twist of fate, Peter Venkman for the third or fourth time in a row. Once again, Mutini was also apparently going as Meowgon Spengler, despite still being at Rose's house.  
  


“We're subatomic particles!” Jade pointed to the plus symbol on the front of her costume and grinned, “I'm a proton, Karkat's an electron -- he's waaaay across the room with Rose and Kanaya -- and Dave's a neutron.”  
  


“Yeah, Karkat's off with his head in the electron clouds again.” Shaking his head, Dave looked wistfully into the middle distance.  
  


Jade joined in and let out a long, forlorn sigh, “Lost in his own negativity. Tragic.”  
  


John raised his eyebrows, otherwise completely deadpan. “Ha. Ha ha. I'm dying over here. Really busting a rib, guys, you're hilarious. You should start up a comedy routine. A comedy routine for _nerds_.”  
  


Dave smirked. “You like that joke? It's _free of charge.”  
  
_

“Oh my goooooooood.” John groaned and covered his face. “I don't know how Karkat handles you two! You guys and your lame nerd puns. Seriously, your invites should've come with a warning label.”

* * *

As the night went on, people stopped mingling and started grouping off on chairs or couches, kissing and talking. Karkat had convinced Jade and Dave to head back to the bedroom, “before some other horny fucks decide to taint our block.” He'd also used one of the larger bowls of candy to bribe the other two.  
  


The three of them were currently sitting on the extra-large bed, blankets in a pile on the floor, with the candy bowl in the middle of the mattress.  
  


“Alright, let's look at our haul,” Dave sifted through the bowl of candy, picking out his favorites, “Fuck, man, I don't even remember buying half this shit. When did we get Twix and what the fuck is... 'soy lecithin'?”  
  


“That's emulsifier, Dave,” Jade scooted closer and awkwardly maneuvered around both of their bulky suits to peck him on the cheek. It took some straining and awkward as fuck angles, but she managed it. “Here, give me some candy, you know I can't eat chocolate. I'm wounded!”  
  


“Only if you tell me what all these ingredients are, babe. I need to know exactly what completely safe chemicals I'm putting in my body. Like sodium chloride, dihydrogen monoxide, and so forth.” As an example, Dave held up a bag of Skittles and looked at the ingredients before tossing it at Jade. “What is ascorbic acid? Is this something PTA moms would have a conniption about?”  
  


Jade rolled her eyes and poured a handful of Skittles into her mouth. “That's vitamin C, Dave. I think it even says so on the wrapper, you dingdong! Let me see – it _does_!” As penance for his crimes, Jade dumped a good half of the candy bowl out on her stomach, using the bulk of her proton costume to hold it all.  
  


“Yo, my righteous fury prevented me from reading any further. I was too busy planning to compose an enraged letter to the FDA.”  
  


“Fuck you, give me that candy and either eat or talk, don't do both.” In a twist of events that surprised no one, Karkat immediately ate a piece of candy and kept talking, “I can't tell if you're performing some bizarre mating ritual or _what_ , but it's weird as hell. No one reads the ingredients on candy, let alone knows what they are. It's supposed to be bad for you! That's the point!”  
  


Jade rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out. “Well, you can start eating mystery meat for every meal or whatever, I'm not trying to teach you! Dave wants to know.”  
  


“Yeah, I am the best student.” Dave was making a valiant attempt to lie in a sexy pose in his neutron suit. He was also winking and holding a twizzler between his teeth like it was a rose. “And I'm aiming to earn some _extra credit_ , if you catch my drift. Also what the fuck is thiamine mononitrate.”  
  


“That's vitamin B!” Scooting closer, Jade leaned forward in an attempt to bite the twizzler out of Dave's mouth, which resulted in them looking like two Boohbahs trying to kiss. “...Which is gonna be your grade, if this keeps happening.”  
  


Karkat covered his face with his hands and sighed. “You guys are so fucking embarrassing. Just take the damn suits off and then choke on candy while making out. I will try to save you, but like most tragedies, will fail. Your rocks for your weird burial rite will read 'Here lies Jade and or Dave, who couldn't bother to chew their food before getting frisky. Let this be a warning to all you kinky fucks out there.”  
  


“Don't kinkshame me,” Dave said, at the same time Jade blew a raspberry and declared, “My kink is subatomic particles, not cliché teacher porn or candy, so there!”  
  


“At least take off the fucking costumes. I'm not sorry, Jade, I'm absolutely going to kinkshame the fact that you think waddling around like morbidly obese tuxedoed ice featherbeasts is somehow erotically appealing. What the fuck.” Karkat popped a Starburst into his mouth and tilted his head expectantly, as if to say 'get it on with already.'  
  


With a snort, Dave stood up, pretending to dance (badly) to music that wasn't playing. “Karkat, are you asking for a _striptease?_ Are you gonna toss candy wrappers at me like crisp dollar bills? I'll have you know I only dance to wrappers free of thiamine monowhatever. My particle is a temple.”  
  


Jade rolled her eyes and flicked a skittle at Dave, which bounced off his costume with a dull _whump_. “I'm asking for a striptease, but not if you don't drop the PTA schtick. Very unsexy.” Teasingly, she clicked her tongue and shook her head.  
  


Despite all the talk about stripteasing, Dave shimmied out of his costume without much ceremony at all, though he did pose dramatically once he was down to his t-shirt and jeans. “Your turn, Jade. I divested myself of this glorious suit so that I didn't have to climb all over you. Even if they are great costumes.”  
  


Jade nodded sagely, pushing the candy on her stomach back into the bowl. “It's only fair. Karkat, are you going to be joining in the no-costume party? Even if it means we can't hoard candy on our giant subatomic particle stomachs, it'll be fun!”  
  


“Sure,” Karkat put the candy bowl aside, scooping up empty wrappers and putting them in a small pile on the nightstand, “It's getting fucking _hot_ in here, I guess I'll shed my electron shell.” He took off the costume quickly, and paused to fold it up before putting it on the floor beside the bed and sitting back down.  
  


Dave snickered at the joke and was about to ask whether it was hot because of the costume, or hot because no one else was wearing them anymore, before Jade sighed dramatically.  
  


“That's not how electron shells work, you big buttfuck!” Jade stood and took off her costume, all while making a face at Karkat. “I have never been so offended in my life! You have _triggered_ me.”  
  


“Hey, man, Karkat is notorious for making jokes that don't make sense. He does it with coding, too.” Dave sat down on the bed next to Karkat and kissed his cheek, which only made him an easier target for Karkat to throw a Starburst at. Jade was the next victim, and when the Starburst hit her she fell dramatically back onto the bed, groaning in faux-pain before eating the candy and smiling at Karkat.  
  


“You're gonna have to change the words on my tombstone, Karkat!” Jade poked Karkat in the thigh and then took Dave's hand, pulling him over to her. “Here Lies Jade Harley: Hot boyfriend killed her while trying to hydrogenate her --starogenate? I was being pelted with Starburst, not hydrogen, hmm. Anyway! Which means I couldn't have sloppy makeouts with my _other_ hot boyfriend. Truly a dark day for mankind. It's kind of a long epitaph, but nothing else would fit so well.”  
  


“How about Jade Harley: sister, girlfriend, scientist, and insatiable horndog?” Karkat smiled, the points of his teeth poking out just a little bit. It made Jade want to kiss him, but she'd already abducted Dave and he looked so _nice_ when she kissed him, besides, so that's what she did.  
  


Dave made a happy sound into her mouth, sliding his fingers underneath Jade's shirt.  
  


“Cold!” Jade shrieked and rolled the two of them over so she was on top of Dave, grinning down at him. “I’ll have to warm you up first.” She leaned down and kissed Dave's neck, Dave groaning and tilting his head back to give her more room.  
  


Karkat cleared his throat and reached over to take off Dave's shades, putting them on the nightstand. In turn, Dave wiggled his eyebrows at Karkat, letting out a sharp breath and arching his hips when Jade bit him. “You cool with this? If you wanna get in on this sweet action I am – _Jade,_ holy shit – I am super cool with that, and if Jade would stop gnawing on my tender, delicious manflesh I'm sure she would agree. If you want to just hit the hay, though, we can relocate or snuggle the fuck out of you, whatever.”  
  


Leaning back, Jade admired the hickey she'd just left on Dave's neck. “Sure, Karkat! I don't want to flash you my bare ass unless you're out looking for a full moon, or do any other sexy things with Dave if you're trying to sleep here. I mean, if you wanted to watch, though, that might be kind of fun!” Karkat and Dave both turned similar shades of red, though neither of them looked opposed to the idea.  
  


“Well,” Karkat pulled the candy bowl back into his lap, fishing around for something that wasn't chocolate, “I'm not ruling out my participation entirely, let's make that clear. But I'm cool just, er. Watching. For now.”  
  


“You voyeur, you,” Dave teased lightheartedly, reaching into the bowl himself and grabbing a piece of candy at random. Snorting a laugh, Jade resumed kissing Dave's neck and slid her fingers up his shirt while he held the candy up to read the ingredients.  
  


“Hey, Jade, what's TBHQ? T-B-Q-H, it's a fucking mystery to me.”  
  


Reluctantly, Jade leaned back and frowned at Dave, who had tossed the candy to Karkat. “I'm trying to seduce you! I can't simultaneously smooch you and tell you what's in the candy I know you're not even gonna eat!”  
  


“Trust me, your smarts are seducing me _plenty_. Besides, you've got hands. Feel me up, grope my hot bod while telling me the chemical composition of chocolate, I will never have jizzed myself so hard in my fucking life.” For emphasis, Dave took Jade's hands in his and pushed them farther up his shirt. Jade grinned, only pausing to take off her glasses and give them to Karkat for safekeeping. Karkat was being handed lots of things, it seemed.  
  


“TBHQ is aaan antioxidant and a preservative, and this actually _is_ something PTA moms get pissed off at this time! But I'm not going to go into details about that, because I don't know about you, but getting busy while talking about the ways that something that's usually harmless can kill you doesn't really turn my crank.”  
  


“Hmm, sounds re- _hea_ sonable!” Dave inhaled sharply when Jade rolled her hips against him. “Holy fuck.” He slid his hands under her shirt again, and when she made no complaints about cold fingers, reached behind her to unclasp her bra. Karkat wasn't really focused on the candy at this point, watching the two of them with wide eyes and flushed cheeks.  
  


Jade wiggled out of her bra and shirt, sighing happily when Dave ran his hands along her curves and cupped her breasts. He rolled his thumb over her nipple before pausing to take off his own shirt and grab another piece of candy.  
  


“Okay, girl wonder, what's dextrin? Make's me think of fuckin...Dexter's lab, and his nasal-ass voice is not something I need to have in my mind when I'm trying to get laid. This is the fate I have brought upon myself.” Dave sighed forlornly and dropped the candy on the mattress, before sitting up and leaning forward to kiss Jade's chest, mouthing at her nipple.  
  


“Ah, hmm, swirl your tongue like that, yes good – it's supposed to make candy crisper, so. If whatever you were eating was just a little crispy without having like, rice in it, that's why!” She put her hand in Dave's hair, running her fingers through it gently. Letting out a contented hum, Dave reached up to cup Jade's other breast in his hand.  
  


Karkat shifted in his seat. He wasn't going to pop a wiggly thanks to _candy ingredients,_ okay. What Jade and Dave were doing was hot as all fuck, but the fact that Jade knew all of that off the top of her head was kind of a turn on, too. It wasn't like Karkat was stupid by any means, but seeing someone who knew their shit and knew it well was hot, dammit. But he was absolutely not sexually attracted to soy lecithin or whatever.  
  


Jade scooted backwards and palmed Dave through his jeans, grinning wide when he let out a shuddering breath. “You like that?”  
  


“I'd like it better if my pants weren't strangling my manaconda, but this is pretty damn good,” Dave moved his hands down to squeeze Jade's ass and smiled when he heard Karkat make a muffled chirp. “I think Karkat likes it, too.”  
  


“You wanna get in on this, Karkat?” Jade glanced over at him before looking back and working on tugging Dave's ridiculous skinny jeans over his ass. “How do these not cut off your circulation? You're a medical miracle.”  
  


“Sure, it'll take two of us and the jaws of fucking life to pry Dave out of these things.” Karkat moved closer, and Jade got around behind Dave to get into optimal depantsing position.  
  


Once Dave was disrobed, he looked at Karkat and raised his eyebrows. “You wanna get nakey nakey eggs and bakey with me? I mean, I'm not strictly opposed to clothed frotting, but if you want to join the one man no-pants party I am _in no way_ complaining. Just don't chafe your jeans on my poor, fragile dong.”  
  


Jade giggled and squeezed Dave's ass before shimmying out of her own pants and underwear. “It's a one man, one dog-lady party now. Yiff yiff, Dave!”  
  


Karkat rolled his eyes theatrically. “I think by definition, Dave, no one can join a one-man anything, or else it loses the title 'one-man.' Despite your heinous grammatical crimes, I _guess_ I'll be persuaded to take my pants off. We'll see about the shirt if the two of you manage to woo me properly.”  
  


Dave hooked his thumbs into Karkat's waistband and tugged his pants down, leaving him in just a shirt and some nondescript grey boxers with a significant damp patch on the front. “Looks to me like we're doing a pretty good job wooing you already, my dude.”  
  


Jade leaned her head on Dave's shoulder and grinned. “We can always do better! Fortunately the both of us are experts at wooing, right, Dave?” For emphasis, she reached around Dave's front and stroked his dick, swiping her thumb over the head and foreskin. Dave groaned and arched into Jade's hand.  
  


Moving closer, Karkat chittered in the back of his throat and pressed his lips against Dave's. Jade wolf-whistled and took her hand off Dave's dick, much to his disappointment.  
  


“Hey, man,” Dave grouched, a little breathless from kissing, “It is totally rude to jack me once and then stop, my poor dick is going to get whiplash. That's like… a halfjob, Jade. You gave me a halfjob. I'm crying real tears, here.”  
  


“Don't blame me!” Jade paused to kiss Dave's neck, biting his ear, “Karkat's basically in your lap, and that's hardly optimal handjob position for me! My poor wrist, Dave. Besides, there is _plenty_ I can do back here.” She pressed herself close against Dave's back and gave his ass a firm squeeze.  
  


Karkat smiled and reached down to give Dave a handjob himself, mindful of his claws. At Dave's pleased groan, Karkat's smile widened into a slow grin. “You like that?”  
  


“Fuck yes I like it,” Dave sighed happily and reached up to press his thumbs against Karkat's grubscars, “I like it and I like you both, you're so fucking hot, oh my god.”  
  


Jade grinned, and pulled a bottle of lube out of her sylladex. “Thankfully I came prepared for this sort of thing, huh?” She hummed and poured a small amount onto her fingers, warming it up before moving her hand down to finger Dave.  
  


“Ah, fuck yes, that's good. You are the preparedest,” Dave turned his head to smile at Jade and laughed, “You're good, you both are. Don't stop.”  
  


“Wasn't planning on it,” Karkat said, smug. He leaned forward to kiss Dave's neck and let out a pleased hum when Dave moaned and thrust into his hand.  
  


“You two are really fucking hot,” Jade curled the finger inside Dave and watched him rock between her and Karkat, “I could watch you guys go at it forever! Participating is fun, too, though.” She kissed one of the hickeys she'd left on Dave's shoulder earlier and squeezed his hip with her free hand.  
  


“You're -- ah -- pretty hot, yourself.” Dave tilted his head back against Jade's shoulder and spread his legs. “Fuck, I'm gonna come.”  
  


“Already?” Karkat teased, completely without malice. “Good.” He moved to the side, grinding against Dave's thigh, and let out a few breathy chirps in time with Dave's moans. Jade found herself wishing she could fuck Karkat right then, but she was really enjoying watching Dave come apart between the two of them.  
  


“You're the best at this – fuck, Jade, right there,” Dave rocked back against Jade's fingers, biting his bottom lip. “God, Karkat, you look so good like that.”  
  


“Seconded!” Jade agreed, “You're really gorgeous, too, Dave. Next time I'm gonna have to get a better view!”  
  


Karkat blushed and jacked Dave off faster. Dave thrust into Karkat's touch and, in contrast from how loud he'd been most of the night, came with a quiet, satisfied sigh. He flopped down onto the mattress, pulling Karkat with him, and Jade joined them soon after.  
  


“That was fuckin' awesome,” Dave smiled and closed his eyes. Jade leaned in and kissed his cheek, her tail wagging, before reaching over to palm Karkat's bulge through his boxers.  
  


“I don't know about you, but I don't think Karkat and I are done being awesome yet!” After climbing over Dave, Jade tugged down Karkat's now-ruined boxers and straddled him, letting his bulge curl between her fingers. Dave watched all this with half-lidded eyes and a sleepy smile on his face.  
  


“Ah, _fuck_ , Jade.” Chirring, Karkat ran his hands along Jade’s thighs and shuddered when she moved her fingers just so. “So, uh - bluh, fuck, what even is English - did you want to ride me?”  
  


“Hmm.” While she thought about this, Jade used her free hand to lightly touch Karkat’s grubscars and smiled at his responding chirp. She had the hottest boyfriends. 10/10. “Actually, I’m kind of in the mood to fuck you! How’s that sound?”  
  


“Oh, shit, yes, go get your- the dick.” Karkat gestured vaguely to the end of the bed; language in general, but English especially, was not his strong suit when aroused. Jade and Dave found this both endearing and ironic.  
  


Jade gave a thumbs-up and scooted off Karkat’s lap so she could lean over the side of the bed, fishing around underneath for The Thing. The Thing was a custom-order, glow-in-the-dark green glittery strap-on. “Hey, Dave, can you make sure he’s ready for me?”  
  


Even though her strap-on was specifically designed with Karkat in mind -- it was made of softer materials, and significantly more tapered than your average human dick -- she still wasn’t going to risk hurting him. It wasn’t like Dave and Karkat were going to complain, anyway.  
  


“Fuck yes I can,” Dave replied, positioning himself between Karkat’s legs and kissing his thigh. He looked up at Karkat and grinned before taking the tip of his bulge into his mouth. Then, in response to Karkat’s loud, aroused chattering, Dave slid one, and then two fingers into Karkat’s dripping nook.  
  


“Shit, shit, yes, right there,” Karkat pushed his hips forward, grinding against Dave’s fingers, and if Dave’s mouth wasn’t already occupied he would’ve scooted up and kissed Karkat right then and there.  
  


Jade, once she retrieved the strap-on, fiddled with the harness and watched proceedings with her bottom lip between her teeth. Hot. As soon as her harness was fastened properly, she crawled towards Dave and Karkat, and poked Dave in the thigh with her sparkling dick.  
  


Pulling back off Karkat’s bulge -- Karkat let out a quiet whine -- Dave snorted and planted a kiss on the head of Jade’s strap-on.  
  


“Karkat, you ready?” Jade asked, looking over the both of them with a hungry expression.  
  


“Fuck yeah, I’m ready, I am more than ready, if you don’t stick your bulge monstrosity inside me in the next thirty seconds I will - fucking, I’ll combust.” Karkat rolled his hips against Dave’s hand a few more times for show, and grinned when Jade’s cheeks darkened.  
  


“More like in the next _thirsty_ seconds,” Dave quipped, pulling his fingers out of Karkat’s nook with a wet sucking noise. Karkat scowled at the terrible joke and flicked Dave’s shoulder, gesturing for Jade to move closer.  
  


“Dave’s fingering privileges have been revoked,” Karkat declared, “On account of really bad puns.”  
  


“That’s fine.” Winking, Dave situated himself so he was nose-to-nose with Karkat, “I can think of plenty more things to do.” He leaned forward and kissed Karkat, who let out a pleased chirp and curled his fingers in Dave’s hair.  
  


Jade settled herself in between Karkat’s legs and stroked his bulge, watching the way he moaned into Dave's mouth. Hell yes. “You ready?”  
  


“Yesssss,” Karkat was flushed all over, and letting out breathy chirps between words, “ _Fuck me,_ Jade.”  
  


Once given the word, that was all Jade needed to get going. She gripped Karkat's hips and lifted him up slightly, slowly pushing into him. Karkat let out a loud groan, and Dave almost looked like he was the one getting fucked instead.  
  


“You guys are so hot together, jesus dickshitting christ, call the fire department because you have got a fucking blaze going.” Dave trailed his hand along Karkat's chest, pausing to tease at his grubscars.  
  


“You got that right!” Jade grinned at Dave and leaned forward on her knees to cup Karkat’s face in her hands, kissing him tenderly. He loved it when they were sweet with him, and judging by how he locked his heels behind Jade’s hips and wound his fingers in her thick hair to hold her close, this time was no different.  
  


Dave whistled. God, they looked so good together like that; he could watch them forever. He moved around behind Jade and gave her a thumbs-up at her puzzled expression.  
  


“I'm gonna eat you out, babe,” Dave palmed Jade's ass and kissed the back of her neck, “assuming you want me to, duh. You can be in the middle of a knight sandwich. The star of a bizarre, yet fantastic, reverse-spitroast.”  
  


Jade giggled and stroked Karkat's bulge. “Okay! I'm game for pretty much anything, really.”  
  


“Fuck yeah,” Dave situated himself underneath Jade, gripping her hips, and paused. “...Jade, your tail is wagging ridiculously fast. You're gonna break the sound barrier, and also my nose.”  
  


“Sorry! I'm excited,” she shrugged half-apologetically and kissed Karkat's neck, “You would be too if you were fucking Karkat, so there.”  
  


Karkat snorted incredulously and rolled his eyes, even as Dave gave a sage nod and said, “True dat,” in his most solemn voice.  
  


Dave pulled Jade towards him by the hips and licked a broad stripe along her vulva. At Jade’s pleased moan, he continued, making circles with his tongue on her clit.  
  


Karkat made a face and huffed, “Jade, you’re not moving anymore. I didn’t know we were doing edging tonight.” He pushed his hips up against her for emphasis and stroked his bulge.  
  


“Sorry, Karkat!” Jade thrust into him more like before, watching his eyes widen and the sour expression on his face change to one of satisfaction. “I got a little distracted. You can handle some delayed gratification, though, I think!”  
  


“Fuck you, _that’s_ more like it.” Karkat pulled Jade down closer to him and thumbed at her nipples, chirping.  
  


“Dammit,” Dave poked Jade’s hip to get her attention, “I can’t eat you out if you’re gonna keep jerking -- haha, jerking -- away from me at the most inopportune times. Get back here, I want to make you come.”  
  


Jade obliged, but again she couldn’t fuck Karkat like she had been when Dave was gripping her hips and inhibiting her movement.  
  


“Okay. This isn’t going to work,” Jade said after a brief bit of back-and-forth between Karkat pulling her close, then Dave grabbing her hips to eat her out, “I’m having fun like this, but we can try something else if you two can’t share! Are you having fun, Karkat?”  
  


“I’m having fun,” Dave said, muffled.  
  


Karkat snorted at that and shrugged, “I mean. I think you should be on top, if you still want to. It’s pretty fucking hot.”  
  


“I think I can handle that!” Jade grinned, “Dave, can you handle missing out a little so I can fuck Karkat?”  
  


“Can I watch?” Dave teased, scooting away from Jade and sitting up. “Both of you can sit on my face later, I got all the _time_ in the world. ‘Sides, I can figure out something else to do should the need arise. I’m just glad to be here, yo.” He lightly put his hands on Jade’s waist and looked over her shoulder.  
  


“Hi, Karkat."

“Hi, Dave,” Karkat smiled and wiggled his fingers at him, “Long time no see.”  
  


“I know, right? It’s been what, five whole minutes? You must be pining, babe.” Suddenly more serious, Dave continued, “You look really good like that. You’re so fucking hot. You both are.”  
  


“Karkat is _super_ hot,” Jade agreed, leaning forward to kiss Karkat’s cheek. He blushed and turned his head, smile widening despite himself.  
  


Jade grinned and kissed Karkat again, “Okay, you ready for maximum velocity?”  
  


“As long as ‘maximum velocity’ takes into account that while I’m outwardly a rugged and tough member of a warrior race, inside I am significantly less durable,” Karkat was only half-joking; as much as getting pounded might sound nice in theory and in porn, he didn’t want to hurt himself.  
  


“Of course! I got you,” Jade allowed herself one more kiss on Karkat’s cheek before leaning back and running her thumbs over his grubscars, “I wanna make you feel good! I only wish this one vibrated.”  
  


“I wish mine vibrated,” Dave said absentmindedly; Jade had a similarly glittery and glowing strap-on for Dave that was firmer and less tapered than the one she was using on Karkat. Of course, Dave had various other toys of his own, many of which vibrated, but still.  
  


“Let’s alchemize some!” Jade resumed fucking Karkat, gripping his hips, “It’ll be super awesome.”  
  


“After,” Karkat snapped, between breathy panting and chirping, “Because if you stop fucking me one more time I’m going to grab a shame stick and fuck myself, and you two assholes can _watch_. Maybe. If you’re goo-- fuck, do that again.”  
  


‘That’ was Jade biting Karkat’s neck at the same time she thrusted into him, biting more forcefully than she would with Dave. Karkat’s skin was thicker and had less give, which meant she had to work a little harder to leave hickeys. Not that either of them minded.  
  


“You like that?” Jade murmured, reaching down to touch Karkat’s bulge. He trilled in response and wrapped his arms around Jade’s shoulders to hold her close. Normally, Dave would’ve been watching all this eagerly, but he was busy popping something out of his sylladex.  
  


“Speaking of things that vibrate,” Dave said cordially, holding up a bullet vibe, “You want me to use this on you, Jade?”  
  


Glancing over, Jade grinned, “Fuck yes! If you think you can keep up with us, that is.” She winked, and Karkat laughed and gestured for Dave to move closer.  
  


Dave leaned against Jade’s back again, and pressed the vibe to her vulva before turning it on. Letting out a pleased groan, Jade alternated between rocking into Dave’s hand and fucking Karkat, who was starting to purr. He sounded like a rusty engine had an ectobaby with an enraged cricket, but it always meant he was enjoying the fuck out of himself, so to Jade it was one of the best noises out there.  
  


“You close?” She asked, reaching forward to run her fingers through Karkat’s hair, “Are you gonna come for me, Karkat?”  
  


“Yes, yes, fuck me, Jade,” Karkat pulled her into a kiss, arching towards her when she pinched his grubscars. Dave pressed the bullet vibe against Jade’s clit and kissed the back of her neck, smiling against her skin when she moaned.  
  


Karkat liked to be kissed when he came, and Jade was doing an excellent job of it, kissing his lips until he pulled back for breath and then moving to kiss all over his face and neck. Spilling red onto the sheets, Karkat shook and chirped, gripping Jade’s shoulders.  
  


“Don’t stop,” Karkat squeezed Jade’s shoulders harder when she started to pull out, “I want you to keep fucking me. Until you come. If that’s something you want, I mean, obviously.”  
  


Jade nodded and let out a gruff, animalistic sound, still fucking Karkat though much gentler than before. Even so, Karkat shivered with the aftershocks.  
  


“Ah, Dave, can you finger me at the same time you’re doing that? I want the vibrator on my clit, that’s, mm, that’s good, but something inside would be nice too.”  
  


“I think I can manage that,” Dave smiled and obliged her; the awkward position of both fingering her and holding the vibe was going to make his hand cramp, but judging by the way that Jade’s thighs were shaking and how erratic her thrusts were, he wasn’t going to have to keep it up for long.  
  


“Mm, fuck yes, just like that,” Jade looked down at Karkat and grinned, “You look so hot with my dick in you, Karkat! Gosh. Ah, right there, Dave, I’m close.”

 

Jade thrust into Karkat once, twice more, and then she was coming, clenching her thighs around Dave’s hand and shaking a little.  
  


“Whew! Okay, move the vibe” Once Dave did so, Jade pulled out and flopped onto the mattress, deftly avoiding a large wet spot. “That was so fun!”  
  


“Seconded,” Karkat said, still a little breathless, “However! We ruined the mattress, and I am not sleeping in a cooling puddle of my own filthy slurry. I have _standards.”  
  
_

“Hmm, that sure is a thing we did,” Dave said contemplatively, “I don’t see you moving out of the cooling puddle, though, dude.”  
  


“I’m not sleeping yet! Besides, I just got thoroughly fucked, dude. I need to regain the ability to do anything except purr and think about how good I feel. Showers exist, let me bask.”  
  


Jade grimaced. “I’m a goddess of space, we shouldn’t have to deal with soggy mattresses! And we’re not going to, because I want to take off this harness and snuggle with my boyfriends in bed and go to sleep, so there!”  
  


Just as Dave and Karkat turned to stare at her quizzically, Jade made a gesture. With a flash of green light, the puddle was gone and the mattress was as dry and clean as it had been before they decided to fuck.  
  


“Well, then,” Karkat looked pleasantly surprised, “Where did you put it, exactly?”  
  


“Away,” Jade shrugged, fiddling with the straps on her harness, “It’s dealt with, don’t worry! I didn’t put it anywhere dumb where our guests would see it or anything!”  
  


“I forgot we were having a party,” Karkat grimaced, “Welp. There goes my afterglow, I bet they all heard me. Dave, get over here and snuggle me so I don’t drive myself bugfuck nuts thinking about how everyone is probably laughing at me.”  
  


“I can do you one better, my dude,” Dave leaned off the side of the bed to grab the blankets, and snuggled under them with Karkat, “‘Sides, even if they did hear you, they wouldn’t be laughing. They’d be jerking it- you’re hot as fuck.”  
  


Karkat snorted and opened his mouth to give what was no doubt a scathing retort, but Dave leaned over and kissed his cheek. Cupping Dave’s face, Karkat shifted to kiss him on the lips instead, purring.  
  


“You guys are so cute,” Jade had taken off the harness and set it aside. She climbed under the blankets, snuggling up next to Karkat and nuzzling his neck. “The cutest!”  
  


“Damn straight,” Dave agreed sleepily, putting his arm around Karkat’s waist and closing his eyes. Karkat rolled over to face Jade and reached up to pet her ears. Under the blankets, her tail started to wag. Karkat loved Jade’s ears; they were close enough to horns that they gave him a sense of familiarity, and they were soft as hell besides.  
  


“Guess what,” Jade smiled at the both of them, clearly still excited despite everything they’d been up to.  
  


“What?” Karkat raised an eyebrow.  
  


“ _We made hydrogen!_ We’ve mastered nuclear fusion, congrats!” Jade’s smile widened into a full on grin, and it looked like she was resisting the urge to laugh. In sync, Dave and Karkat both groaned.  
  


“I’m disgusted,” Karkat said, clearly amused, “Now I have to fall asleep thinking about that. How dare you.” Dave nodded in agreement and clicked his tongue.  
  


“For shame,” Dave mumbled, and like that, he was asleep. Jade followed shortly after, and even Karkat only took a few more minutes before drifting off. They’d spend most of the next day tidying up after the party and going over bizarre candy ingredients, but for now they were sleepy and content.

**Author's Note:**

> All the candy ingredients are real and are really in the candy Dave asks about, and Jade's answers are accurate to the best of my ability, if somewhat abbreviated to fit smoothly in the dialogue.


End file.
